The Past Is What Shapes Us


Now in my late 30’s I look back and find my life has taken an adventurous, sometimes deviant and dangerous, highway. The last several years have drained my will and drive. I don’t want any ones pity! I’m simply opening your eyes to my current mental state. The economy has stripped me of my company and 20 years life savings. Essentially I’ve lost everything. A flood of repressed sexual desire has resurfaced. It’s here for good. How do I cope with a lifestyle I’ve never had? How do I break my own rules in relationships to satisfy these needs?
We are all products of our environment. Experiences, or nurture, and how they’re perceived makes us who we are. Nature, or what gets passed to us genetically, plays a role to varying degrees in each of us. I’m not gay. I don’t feel a predisposition for men. I seriously doubt my dick will ever go into a dudes ass, or one into mine! I’m not big on the shit hole penetration unlike the kids of today. A 13 year old knows more about sex then I did at 21. There is no sexual taboos for them. The Net exposes us to every, explicit, deviant, sexual thought humanly possible.

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   If you crave the need to fuck a tube sock while scuba diving naked you can find others, on line, that have the same fetish. Every child growing up with access to the endless information will be desensitized through exposure. I envy their freedom. To be 15 to 18 again with girls of today.
My first sexual experience was with a with a boy 3 years older then me. He was and is gay. I was too immature to choose participation. He completely understood his actions. We would look at Playboy and held each others erections. He didn’t do anything else which made the experience as sexually positive possible.
My curiosity for sexual contact with boys and girls grew. I passed on my knowledge to many willing participants. I had experienced a lot with boys but was more attracted to and seeking girls for sexual arousal. My appetite for feeling an erect penis has never diminished. I get turned on from giving pleasure.

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   Whether clit or cock I love to watch it swell from my touch. For instance, a boy 2 years younger and his brother my age were recipients of my experiences. There was many others but this had profound implications for my preferences. Both boys were very slim. Very active mostly from swimming. (the boy my age we’ll call Sam and his younger brother Gary) I was physically larger then Sam being an early bloomer in many ways. Gary was very small even for his age. He was also thin and well toned. We set up a tent for a sleepover. My libido was always thinking for me. This was the first opportunity to see how willing Sam and Gary are to my advances. It’s not hard to direct young boys with uncontrollable erections towards the subject. At first it took some convincing for Sam to play along but little Gary was excited. I was lying between them but they wanted me to move before we all took our pants off. I was at their feet .

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   All of us were covered by sleeping bags. I asked them to stand their cocks up. I could see how long they were from the tent. Both boys had small, skinny cocks. Gary’s was my pinky with a head on it. When I stood mine up they both gasped in shock. I’m above average in size but next to their child-like dicks I was huge.
I moved myself, intentionally allowing my hard-on to be visible. I showed them I was comfortable and relaxed by keeping myself exposed. I think Sam was intimidated by my size. Neither of them wanted to touch my cock and I’ve never forced myself on anyone. They had no problem with me touching them. With Gary on the left and Sam to my right, all on our backs as, I passionately enveloped each, warm, pulsing, boys dick . Sam had a waft of, soft, blonde, pubic hair I felt while stroking, exploring and fondling him joyfully. He quickly lost interest and went soft regardless of my attempt to arouse him again.

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   He turned on his stomach but lifted his hips allowing my hand under his body to pet his hairless, pubescent testes. He obviously still enjoyed the sensation and first time being touched other then himself. Sam’s lack of interest came from my focus on Gary and his pinky finger erection. I can’t remember when my own dick was ever that small.

At first I turned towards him with my face near his groin. It was dark and wanted to see what I was feeling. It pointed at a 45 degree angle away from his tummy, permanently hard. Gary was circumcised, skin tight to his shaft, with a perfect, red, rim under the tiny cap. I had never sucked on a dick before and wasn’t interested in doing so at the time. I even managed not to stroke him off. I was content knowing Gary let me be the first person to play with his cock. There was no end to my loving attachment to the erect organ. He wasn’t stopping the advances. He wantonly encouraged them by wiggling his hips and raising his ass in rhythm to my strokes. Eventually I rolled to my back taking Gary in my left hand and my hard-on in the right.

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   He never lost his erection. For hours I aroused him until we both faded off to sleep.
We were both at the ages when sexual curiosity is normal. I’ve never attempted any physical contact with boys, or girls, as a man. These seemingly innocent experiences, at early adolescence, unquestionably affected my preference for certain sexual stimulation. This is only the tip of the Psyche that is me.
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